My experience with gender disappointment

Are you experiencing gender disappointment? You are not alone. Many women across the globe have quietly battled this emotional turmoil, a feeling so often misunderstood or dismissed.

Society often expects parents to be overjoyed regardless of their baby’s sex, but the truth is, having a preference for a boy or girl—and facing the reality when it doesn’t align—is a complex emotional journey.

If you’ve been carrying this weight alone, this is for you—to let you know that your feelings are valid, and hope awaits at the very end of this journey.

In this article, 3 different moms share their unique stories of how they faced gender disappointment, battled the guilt, and ultimately found peace.

My Experience with Gender Disappointment

Marriam: Longing to be a mother of 5 boys

Way before I became a mom, I really knew that I wanted to be a mother of boys – 5 boys. I said this over and over and we would constantly make fun that those boys will be eating too much. When I heard that someone I knew had their 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th boy, I deeply prayed that that would be me in a few years.

When I conceived, I knew for sure I wanted a boy. But deep down I was troubled by the fact that it’s about chances, it might be a girl. I tried to make it look like I was comfortable with both, but really hoped for a boy.

During the 20 weeks scan, I remember the sonographer asking, is there anything else you want to know? I smiled and answered ‘the gender’ ‘it’s a girl! ’ He said, excited and clapping ‘congratulations!’ my spouse was so happy and I smiled along.

The rest of the day was difficult, and as days went by, it became even more difficult. I dint want to see anything pink. Shopping became so difficult, we would always argue at baby shops as I tried to pick beige, brown, black, blue clothes to ensure that it dint look like a girl.

I struggled to connect with the baby and really felt guilty about it. I thought about it so much that I even had dreams about it. Bad dreams. Some days I felt much better and accepted it but others were just too difficult.

I would cry for hours if a friend jokingly referred to me as Ely’s mom, the name I’d give to my daughter. I struggled throughout pregnancy and was more worried about my future with her. I felt so guilty, and did not tell anyone what I felt (except my husband). I would convince anyone I met that I did not know the gender but I’d be comfortable with any, sometimes lying to them that I think I would prefer a girl.

Did things change? If yes, when?

Things changed, but when? I can’t tell! Somewhere between waiting for labor (week 38, 39, 40) during labor and delivery. I can’t tell exactly what happened. I remember looking at her and thinking ‘this is the best thing that has ever happened to me!’ I didn’t know I’d love her this much. No. I didn’t know I’d love someone this much.

The moment I set my eyes on her, I was unable to imagine myself raising a boy. Actually, even to date, I am always thankful that it was a girl!

Are you worried about another pregnancy?

To be honest no.  About a year later, I remember thinking and even telling my husband that I would not mind having another girl, if this is the feeling of raising a girl.

Sometimes I think ‘and what if it’ll be a boy?’ honestly, I think I’d feel the same. If I was that uncertain about having a girl and this is what I feel, I would definitely embrace a boy too.

Sarah: Longing for a Girl, Loving a Boy

I had always imagined myself as a girl mom. When I found out I was pregnant, my mind flooded with visions of pink dresses, tea parties, and the bond I’d share with my daughter. At my 20-week scan, the sonographer announced with a smile, “It’s a boy!” my heart sank. I forced a smile but I couldn’t shake the sadness.

How was your pregnancy journey?

During my pregnancy, I struggled with guilt. Friends and family would say, “You should be thankful the baby is healthy,” “You know there are people without child, right? Stop being ungrateful” which only made me feel worse.

I was thankful—but that didn’t stop me from mourning the daughter I had imagined. The disconnect grew as I prepared for my son’s arrival.

Did things change?

Miraculously they did! When he was born, everything changed. “The moment they placed him in my arms, I fell in love, He’s nothing like what I envisioned, but he’s everything I needed.”

Emily: The Fourth Boy

I was already a mom of three boys when I became pregnant again. Oh how I prayed that this time round, it would be a girl. Everyone around me too hoped this time it would be a girl. At the ultrasound, when I heard the words, “It’s another boy,” I burst into tears. I felt ashamed for being so disappointed, especially since my partner and others didn’t understand.

“This child is just as amazing as any other child we’ve had before. You are being unfair to him’’ I remember my partner insisting. I felt so bad about myself. I felt inadequate and hated the thought that I will never have a girl.

How was your pregnancy journey?

Throughout my pregnancy, I battled feelings of failure and frustration. Comments like, “You’ll have your own little football team!” made me want to scream. I felt disconnected from her baby, fearing I wouldn’t love him as much as my other children. I felt like a bad mother, one who wouldn’t love her own.

Did things change?

When he was born, everything changed. “He’s the sweetest baby, and now, I can’t imagine my life without him. He completed our family in ways I never expected.”

Gender disappointment: Have you experienced it?

While gender disappointment is real and deeply personal, it’s a chapter—not the whole story. The love for a child transcends expectations, and healing comes in unexpected ways.

For anyone struggling with gender disappointment, know that your feelings are valid, and hope is just around the corner.

Did you feel gender disappointment when you found out the sex of your baby during a scan? Did you ever get over it? If so, how?  Share your story with us through info@therapyke.com , on our Whatsapp number on Contact Page or on the comment section below.

While feelings such as sadness and guilt may feel isolating, they are more common than many realize—and they don’t define your love for your child. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone and that help and support are available to guide you through this journey.

At Therapyke.com, we offer therapy sessions tailored to help women process and navigate emotions like gender disappointment. You don’t have to face this alone—we’re here to support you every step of the way.

Are you experiencing gender disappointment? Read how to cope with gender disappointment.

Additionally, resources like Baby Center App provide a wealth of information for pregnant women and new mothers.

With the right tools and support, you can find peace, joy, and a deeper connection to your little one.